8 posts tagged “weepin' time”

Maybe I could word it up as retribution or avengement...but as much as I don't trust to happenstance it got me to belief it existed. It is there, clinging to something I call the past. The old angst went away as swiftly as it could, though I forgot to wash it off resulting a leftover glow, and it got reignited back. Sublime..Yes the eve of Raya was eventful, the morning after papi set out for Kedah (apologies again..) I deliberated on staying mellow throughout the whole day. But like he always said I am a strong girl, so the boundaries were pushed and I succeeded in masking a nonchalant mood in front of everyone (but I failed to impress a particular person, he knows me through and through) and it got me a few plus points after that. Great times, good vibes. (I got ever so bashful 2-year-old cousin smitten to me) The old tradition continues, members expanding, youths growing and the adults started to grey. Phenomenal. After break fast the family gathered around for group prayers and it got me there. That's it. Shot me right there. Let the heart fiddle with my feelings and boy, I was intoxicated. (of what I am not really sure of) Headed to the museum worthy mall, pranced around laughing and giggling like an overexcited dressed up wannabe (with a blistered feet). Passe. Tired of the faux act, slept at the mall (yes on the floor like a freaking beggar) and woke up hearing the sound of fire-crackin'. Played GTA with the XY cousins, after many failed attempts at the kitchen. (EPIC FAIL) Home sweet home an hour after midnight with the impasse' feeling..and wet-faced. Chatboxes running between me and the guy #1, fag friend and guy #2. Sad occurence with guy #2, another session of exchanging sad notions between both of us, sad vibes, sad endings. Apologies... Guy 1# and fag friend made quite an attempt to faze me. I remain unfazed.

But I was at least a bit bemused after 3 am thanks to guy #1.

Past recollections, vague memories...

I profess, a stuck up loner is what I am after all...as I perceive that I have the knack of keeping things low and distinct. Things have been going quite well, (though the solemn mood still lingers around) and though it wasn't as smooth-sailing as I bargained for, but my prospects remains concrete. I have been salivating everything the future has in store for me, just inferring that I am (semi) ready to undertake the next stage of life endeavours. Again, who would've thought I do actually invest my time reshuffling my notions and making attempts to evoke fresh rationalizations....yes it is quirky when you think about it. Fair enough, I myself began to understand that I've been taken as an understatement. For the crowd might discern me as a shallow being, much to my selfless needs and infatuation towards everything materialistic, but I can half-assure you (no promises on this!) that I reserved only few thoughts on painful things and seldom let myself wallow in self-pity towards convictions from God-greatest creations on me. Half-God right? (hihi) Of course not you dweeb.

After many attempts trying to reinstate the savvy side of my mind, slowly I begin to realise that I am able to push my restraints further, in order to succeed. In life as I delved through my minds and constantly engross myself with random soliloquys and willy-willy musings from the scion of Earth-governers (really, I'm just showing off my vocab ROFL) and it made me realise that we are actually quite homologous to one another, having a trait which is shared by everyone, (no matter how one affirms the others that he/she is different) and it is called hope. No matter how devastated one might get, no matter how bad your hopes betrayed you, how worse the agony of self-hoping might affect you, hope is something you can't live without. Hope, whether it is in a sense of Utopia (meaning, unachievable longing) or not, will always be by your side. Love is hope. Money is hope. Happiness is some form of hope. Hope is dope. Don't we all hope?
 
Yes I came to the sense that with what I pampered myself won't last forever and (well, this ain't my favourite part) I predict when forever actually ends I'll be rendering my flaws to everyone...(something that I was never proud of) but well, hoping that the wait will be long (see, I'm hoping!). For now, I am fixating myself on beatific things and enjoying the youth though I will soon, I promise, try to not overwhelm everyone with my covetous side. (well I'm not sure if that word exists...but lets give it a try) Bearing in mind to strive my best to get all this done, and yes...maybe cancel out few things (if you're thinking that I'd be scratching out the "no marriage" part, then we're on a right track...but it's indefinite. The decision is very vague) and I leave the decision for the forthcoming to decide. Henceforth, before the woeful feeling started to make its way, here I am hoisting my white flag to other things, concentrating on having an erudite mind (SPM prevails) and uh-oh, garments? (cue loopy face)  

It's official. I'm 17. So as to say I should feel euphoric, well not so. Again, it happened at such ungodly hour. Inspirations injecting in...at times when the blues are kicking in. Not smashing at all. (insert clicking noise) Daydreaming I was all about these days, and its funny that everytime it happens it left me feeling blank and...distorted. Ya dig? Yknow it ain't your fault if you ain't catching my drift...but tellin' you one thing, things I daydream about ain't far fetched at all. Embarasses me to the point that I humiliated myself. I hate feeling embarassed. (I'm not shy though, mind you!) Good God. I'm ending this chapter. Chronicles of me and the previous lover seems to meet its end soon. Still...never fails to make me ge all agitated everytime a conversation is brought upon between us. Him and his sour mouth. Me and my angry self. Or the other way around. Bad combination. Sorry for being such a nuisance boy, but we missed it. Ain't never gonna click. But the society seems to not get it...chemistry is important ya know? Them blaming me...like they know everything. Tsk tsk? But those league of self-absorbed beings ain't gonna shatter me any bit. Takes more than that to do so. Lesson learnt folks, think wisely before making decisions! Some things may be good when you first get your hands on it, but it ain't staying good as gold forever. Lucky you if it does. God bless.

I am irked and half-light headed..and for some reason you got me twisted, and I feel so fucking occupied. Here's a little secret, I am living in a lie. (This is a lie itself)
Sometimes the old trick of feigning your  own feelings (empathy alert) can lead to a chain of unfortunate events. Exhibit A, me. I've been putting up a fake mask in front of him and now I've grown used to it. In fact that mask seems to be my actual face now. Whether I am happy or not, that I ain't sure. But after all that feeling is bound to cause pain and hatred, sadness and guilt is just another way of celebrating what I am doing right now.
I really am not sure what feelings I have in store for you right now. In might not be steady , but eventually you will be the one to nurture it and let it bloom in me. I'm seeing great changes in both of us as one. Maybe ! at the back of mind I know that it wasn't because of my own will power that made me fall for you, it was because the love that you gave. I find it unruly to just let it go. I'm facing the hard fact that I'm loving the love that you're giving me, more than me loving for who you are.
So that's why I need to put a stop for all this. To you, I may be the girl you love, but to me, I am just infatuated by your affection. But little do you know that I never wish this to last, no matter how much I've grown fond on you. No matter how strong my feelings might get for you. Because deep down, I'm suffering. Suffering from the fact that whatever I'm doing to you is unfair. Suffering because I will never be able to love you like how you love me. Suffering because I can't stand it. Heck I love you,  but a goodbye is still a must.       

Note; Harem pants + Red checked shirt + Red rims + Red heels = A1 Add Maths scorer = Big butt demon = this girl

Have fun getting toyed and fooled. :-)

I am a friend who doesn't befriend you like others because..just because. (cue; Aladdin setan sound FX)

One hell of a ride with you, and I am 100% stoked! Thanks man! All this while, I got gobsmacked, hit on, knocked on, bullshitted on, ignored on, and all sorts of shitfucks you've done, I appreciately treasure it. I will continue bitching about you because we're one hardcore friends! I'm euphoric because of you! You suck! If you forget about me I'mma get that elephant who crossed the road and bust your boobies and mash your ass! Then you can't dance or shake your booty anymore (haha padan muka) :-D

p/s: Wonder who's the beaver? (grins at someone when she gets back)

Late night, sippin' fags (ha-ha bullshit) after a decent 5 hours sleep, self-visualising in mind...crunchin' fat chicken drummets, (I'm having a slight fried chicken fetish, gross I know) observing dad in his (no, my) bright espirit duvet, and..doing nothing at all. I've done my report quite some time ago, (yesterday 10pm but I fell asleep shortly after that) just didn't had the feeling to send it yet. So here I am, Cookie Crisp-ing, with my Donut beside me (and a retarded WI-FI) and a glass of cranberry juice on my left, I am nothing but happy. Ahh, yes, we teenyboppers might call this as, EMO? Well truthfully I am not..for the propensities of mine are more abstract than just EMO. (well in a simple english word I would say, confused, grins) Alas! my blogger is once updated. (I still have 2 more to go) I couldn't care less about the things revolving around me...because I feel nothing, except of this revolting and sick feeling (apa kes ni?) that is already thickening inside me.

Oleh itu, aku rasa sakit hati dengan diri aku sendiri. Mesti sebab banyak sangat baca blog orang (especially the other side of people) and terpengaruh dengan pemikiran mereka. (there's too many opinions..I am confused) Rasa macam nak berubah, konon dapat wake-up call tapi hari-hari same je (rut..what a rut) macam cibai! Masalah tak la sampai boleh bunuh diri, tikam org, kelar lengan whatsoever, tapi macam masalah ni datang dari diri. Cam..nak kata low self-esteem tak lah, confidence level aku ok je kot, uproaring lagi adalah..tapi macam sifat, ha sifat dalam diri ni, makin busuk je rasa. (you know, when your gut feeling tells you that something is fishy..it is) Aku macam nak cari ketenangan dan aku tahu hanya Dia sahaja lah tempatnya. (since I am having the time of the month, I am limited to many things that I wish I can do it NOW - delaying it when I am able to do it) Jadi sekarang aku banyak beristighfar...harap-harap baiklah kesudahannya. Aku tak mahu 2008 jadi lebih gelap untuk aku jadi at least..at least (chill la kambing bukan pasal kelas je aku nak emo) hati aku tenang nak menghabiskan 2008. Malas lah aku nak tulis 2009 will be great and bla bla all the asinine prattle, baik duduk dalam bilik drilling untuk SPM. (bukan drill dinding, paham-paham ah metaphor dia) Jadi for the first time in my life having all this running commentaries, InsyaAllah aku tak akan habis kan masa berpuluh jam dekat sini tulis hentah apa resolutions yang akhirnya macam tahi and instead of doing that, aku duduk dalam bilik bermuhasabah munasabah (munasarawak) kan diri. Mungkin spring clean rumah ke, apa ke. Janji productive (dari type pasal 2009 *&^*@&^(*$ suma tu) Satu je aku plan. Aku nak jadi nerd yang paling cool dalam 2009. Kira nerd = rajin solat/rajin ingat Tuhan/rajin belajar rajin segalanya (tapi bukan goody-goody two shoes- cam undang-undang sekolah tu g mampus la sikit; though tak melampaui batas lah) & cool = keeping tabs on the latest digs and writes biting posts here, and everywhere. Ambik kau! :-D Kiranya aku rasa entri ini sesuai dibaca oleh semua lapisan umur, jadi aku akan set entri ini viewable oleh semua. Ok? :-) (Ceh macam la orang baca en, mana tahu..silent reader pssst psst, Ainil kalau baca (guarantee in Malay apa eh..ah jamin) jamin kau mesti comment haha! Ok enough clamor)  Agak best ah taip dalam bahasa Melayu. Tapi obviously bukan dalam bahasa baku. Bayangkan kalau aku boleh karang satu perenggan dalam bahasa baku tetapi masih bukan skema untuk dibaca oleh orang ramai, nescaya aku akan dilabel...skema jugak. Betul tak?